Happy International Women's Day 2015 & Happy 10th Birthday
|
Today bracanvas.com turns 10! Happy Birthday and Happy International Women's Day. Over the past decade it has become even more important to learn to love ourselves, to embrace our imperfections and to celebrate our strengths. We can change the world when we recognise our strengths …. and we can change our experience of our world. This year I am going to expand the bracanvas project. I am going to embrace the International Women's Day slogan: Make it Happen. I pledge to fearlessly believe that it is okay to put the project out there even further. The last year the website had close to 1000 unique visitors. Awesome. This year I want to share with you some of Brene Brown's amazing work on imperfection. I want to explore strength and menopause and I want to some more diary work. Can't wait. (ps. I won't be fearless …. I will feel the fear and do it anyway).
|
Island Gal
I choose to be reborn. On a remote island in the South China Sea I pause my life, just for now so that the remainder is one that I choose. Somehow I got lost, I don’t know when but I know that for a long time I have looked in the mirror and not recognised the face that I see. Altered, grey and exhausted – how on earth did I get here. I am living at a detox retreat, no luxuries, no alcohol, no drugs, no cigarettes, no caffeine, no sanity and no animal protein. It is here that I offer myself up to the universe, it’s a rough and basic environment where, subjected to the elements 24/7, somehow I have had to find the strength to cope. To detox is to strip yourself bare, remove your crutches and see what is left. The worst has happened here but I am still okay. In a place meant to be about health I experience malnutrition, about abundance I am induced to beg, about love, fear and hatred overwhelm, about hope that is really despair, about knowledge and it 's all a sham. I have lived my life in fear. Afraid this will happen, that may happen, afraid that when it counts that I am not good enough, strong enough, beautiful enough or just enough. And yet it is when I am weakest that I find my greatest strength an over whelming desire not just to live but to participate in this world, not as an observer but enabled to make it just that little bit better with understanding, compassion, creativity and most of all laughter.
I am not afraid any more, I am past fear in a place where there is simply me. Quietly, confident, tall, strong and amazing. I have reached the lowest point possible and now I am stronger than I have ever been. I am the sea with her gentle lapping at the shore, the wind that is blowing a gale from China, the butterfly that alights on my foot and the sun that beats it’s way from the heaven’s to the pristine sand. I breathe in the fresh air and drink the night sky. I learn humility in the face of abject poverty from women that have so little themselves but have some much warmth and loving generosity who reached out and saved me when I was drowning. I have faced my demons and learned to really love myself for the first time ever. I now and understand that my life is about me, how I am in this world and my ability to touch others in the community of life. I am the grass that bends before the wind, filled with the excitement of the future knowing that I cannot break.
I am not afraid any more, I am past fear in a place where there is simply me. Quietly, confident, tall, strong and amazing. I have reached the lowest point possible and now I am stronger than I have ever been. I am the sea with her gentle lapping at the shore, the wind that is blowing a gale from China, the butterfly that alights on my foot and the sun that beats it’s way from the heaven’s to the pristine sand. I breathe in the fresh air and drink the night sky. I learn humility in the face of abject poverty from women that have so little themselves but have some much warmth and loving generosity who reached out and saved me when I was drowning. I have faced my demons and learned to really love myself for the first time ever. I now and understand that my life is about me, how I am in this world and my ability to touch others in the community of life. I am the grass that bends before the wind, filled with the excitement of the future knowing that I cannot break.
A love story
I always keep a piece of rose quartz in my bra. I started getting into crystals when my family rejected me. At the time my sister was sick. We were all worried about her and I said that I thought she needed psychological help. The minute I mentioned mental illness they rejected me. Doors started slamming in my face, they stopped ringing me and they started attacking me. I was gutted. I started having panic attacks. Up until then I was the person in the family that everyone came to. I was like Switzerland; I didn’t take sides. Then I was pushed away.
It was a horrible, horrible time. I cried myself to sleep night after night for years. Then one Christmas I thought: this is so dumb; this is not worth it. I had to step back. I had to learn to grow and know that I was a worthwhile person. That’s when I started to meditate. I started getting into meditation and I started to learn about myself. I realised what was happening was their stuff, not mine. I had to let go of the hurt. That’s when I started to get into loving myself. I don’t reckon you can really love other people unless you really love yourself.
I recently realised that my gift in life is love. Pure and simple. I don’t love things; I love people. I am naturally good at loving. It comes right from my heart. I see the good in people before I see the bad. If people say someone is bad I wait and judge for myself.
I started to wear crystals down my bra when I started to have panic attacks. I put rose quartz next to my heart. I felt like it helped me. Then I started doing it for other people. When someone rings me and says they are having a bad day I concentrate on them and send them positive vibes. This year I have started to give rose quartz to people as a gift. I put it in my bra and think about them and then give them the warm rose quartz. I call it harvesting. It feels good to give it to them. I never stopped loving my family, even though sometimes I don’t really like them. My relationship with my family is coming back, but it will never be the same. There was a lot of bitterness - on their part. I hated that, but I have grown as a result. Love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay. Love is not love till you give it away.
It was a horrible, horrible time. I cried myself to sleep night after night for years. Then one Christmas I thought: this is so dumb; this is not worth it. I had to step back. I had to learn to grow and know that I was a worthwhile person. That’s when I started to meditate. I started getting into meditation and I started to learn about myself. I realised what was happening was their stuff, not mine. I had to let go of the hurt. That’s when I started to get into loving myself. I don’t reckon you can really love other people unless you really love yourself.
I recently realised that my gift in life is love. Pure and simple. I don’t love things; I love people. I am naturally good at loving. It comes right from my heart. I see the good in people before I see the bad. If people say someone is bad I wait and judge for myself.
I started to wear crystals down my bra when I started to have panic attacks. I put rose quartz next to my heart. I felt like it helped me. Then I started doing it for other people. When someone rings me and says they are having a bad day I concentrate on them and send them positive vibes. This year I have started to give rose quartz to people as a gift. I put it in my bra and think about them and then give them the warm rose quartz. I call it harvesting. It feels good to give it to them. I never stopped loving my family, even though sometimes I don’t really like them. My relationship with my family is coming back, but it will never be the same. There was a lot of bitterness - on their part. I hated that, but I have grown as a result. Love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay. Love is not love till you give it away.
On my chest
|
Moments of passion procreation attempts end his head on my chest. at my breasts no babe but another’s child can lay safe their head on my chest. grandma’s breasts; shelter lay my head in comfort - safe my head on her chest. |
Am I still here?
|
Warrior
|
Kusama
I run into Yayoi Kusama again. I can't believe the serendipity. I visit her: Infinite Obsession and weep. Determined. Committed. Creative. I take permission to continue with my own obsessions. I think I should follow her around the world. Poignant. Compelling. Brave.
|
Growing up
I surprise myself with my strength, my capacity to grow and love and give and love and realise my own worth.
|
New strong
My strength was not that I soldiered on (as I would have previously). My strength was that I knew when to stop. I see that as a sign of strength, not weakness.
|
Big city
It wasn't so much scary, as a battle between stretching out and living life - and keeping myself safe. Felt kind of primitive - working out what I needed to do to be safe - literally.
|
Rosary
At each birth she held a pair of rosary beads.
I love my beads |
Gentle
I look at them all in their perfect suits, their perfectly ironed shirts and their perfect hair and I wonder how many of them felt [unworthy] this morning.
|
Equilibrium in time
|
... that state of balance when the things that are most important in life: family, friends, work, self, are well cared for and loved, all at the same time.
But why is equilibrium so elusive? Why do I feel like there’s never enough time to devote to everyone; everything? I should be doing more. Have been there for my friends when they’ve needed me? Am I doing enough to ensure that friendships last forever? Have I given enough of the right advice and love to the kids? Have I given them my time? Am I a “good” mother and wife, or have I divided myself into too many parts? What about work - could I be doing more and better, or am I just marching on the spot, year in, year out, unable to find the time to do more? Why do I feel like that state of equilibrium is a mirage that disappears whenever I get close to it? Where is the place, the time for self? So many questions, so few answers. So full of self doubt. Maybe it’s that constant quest that keeps me going. What would I do if I found that sought of equilibrium anyway? Maybe that’s just part of life. Who knows?? So many questions ....... |
Snails
I could learn a lot from the snails in my mail box. Tiny critters, over the space of a week they will each their way thru my mail. Surely a mammoth task - surely painfully slow. But, if they are daunted it doesn't show in their work. What does it take to focus on the here and now? To not be daunted by what lies ahead? Patience.
|
Ah hah!
Suddenly I saw it so clearly. It started years ago, when 'stuff happened'. It was awful and I became anxious. The awful stuff passed but the anxiety has taken longer. Today I felt anxious and I couldn't remember why. I searched for the trigger - the new awful thing that I was anxious about. There was none. I realised that too often anxiety is an underlying emotion. No cause, no more awful, just a residual sense of fear and the fear of fear. It can turn a minor annoyance into a cortisol fed flurry. Stop it.
|
Leap of faith
I took a leap of faith.
I believed in myself. I had faith. I realise how often I expect it to be hard. |
In full bloom
So much has shifted in the past two weeks.
It all started with an opportunity to believe in myself. I took that opportunity. I planted a seed. It germinated. |
Bright spots in my life
She hands me the bra.
Bright spots in her life.
She says she wont be doing a story.
Its not her way.
Its underwear.
Why does it have to be underwear?
Story without story.
Bright spots in her life.
She says she wont be doing a story.
Its not her way.
Its underwear.
Why does it have to be underwear?
Story without story.
Screaming
You said that you were waiting for me to get angry.
Sometimes I scream in the car. But. Mostly. I am grieving the loss of us. |
Beautiful little boy
In our lives for 9 days.
In our hearts forever. |
Our little boat
You wrote to me about our love using the metaphor of a boat. You wrote about it on a gallery brochure. About love, love, love, love. I was so captivated I didn't see the torpedo you sent. I didn't need a boat. I can swim very well. But. I nearly drowned. I had forgotten how to swim.
|
W-o-o-m-a-n
.... being on the outside has allowed me to question who I am, how I want to be as a woman. It has provided a consciousness that I didn't have previously. I make my own way there.
|
The eccentric
I have always been different. Or. I have always felt different. I have always felt like an outsider. I am learning to value this difference - rather than to yearn for belonging.
It feels so alive, rich, authentic, free, courageous. Hooray for me. |
Black berry
When we were kids dad used to take us blackberrying. Sunburn, march flies, thistles. Mum made us a jar of jam each. Our own name on each little jar. Now - when I need comfort I make tea & eat toast with butter & blackberry jam and feel loved.
|
A story about a 'lost' breast
When I was very much younger, my mother found a lump in her left breast. She saw our local GP who then referred her to a specialist, though this appointment was six weeks after the GP visit. That seemed like a very long time to wait.
Once the specialist saw her she was immediately booked in for surgery at a regional hospital. She, he and we didn’t know whether this lump was cancer or not. The deal in those days was that the surgeon would operate, do a biopsy at the time of the operation and then if the lump was malignant, then a radical mastectomy was the order of the day. She signed the consent form and woke up with only one breast. I remember, I was at school and my father rang me to tell me.
Two days later, I visited my mother, who said to me, “I want to show you my operation…it is important for me that you see this and that it is ok – how you react is very important.” I would have to look at her scar and be ok about it – not just ok but more than that, because it was IMPORTANT FOR MY MOTHER that I was. I am still angry about being asked to do this. Her left “chest” was black, blue, red, stitched awful and angry looking – it was horrible to look at, but I remember saying said in an even voice “the doctor has done a good job” – A bit lame, but I was too young and too shocked to say anything really useful to her.
I have a terrible fear of breast cancer – it is quite irrational in that I don’t have a terrible fear of pancreatic cancer which is far more likely to kill me. The good daughter
Once the specialist saw her she was immediately booked in for surgery at a regional hospital. She, he and we didn’t know whether this lump was cancer or not. The deal in those days was that the surgeon would operate, do a biopsy at the time of the operation and then if the lump was malignant, then a radical mastectomy was the order of the day. She signed the consent form and woke up with only one breast. I remember, I was at school and my father rang me to tell me.
Two days later, I visited my mother, who said to me, “I want to show you my operation…it is important for me that you see this and that it is ok – how you react is very important.” I would have to look at her scar and be ok about it – not just ok but more than that, because it was IMPORTANT FOR MY MOTHER that I was. I am still angry about being asked to do this. Her left “chest” was black, blue, red, stitched awful and angry looking – it was horrible to look at, but I remember saying said in an even voice “the doctor has done a good job” – A bit lame, but I was too young and too shocked to say anything really useful to her.
I have a terrible fear of breast cancer – it is quite irrational in that I don’t have a terrible fear of pancreatic cancer which is far more likely to kill me. The good daughter
Simplicity
When I was a kid I used to collect stamps. As an adult I yearn for that simplicity and joy. Actually, I actively pursue that simplicity and joy.
|
Unstuck story
My story is changing. My words are changing. I am changing. I am evolving. I am Emerging. Finally my story is unstuck. I learned how to tell a story starting with feeling. The words came next. I understood my story differently. I moved on.
|
Pain
I am shocked at how much pain I have. How physical it is. The emotional turmoil spills into my physical body. I take boxes and boxes of pain killers before I realise that it won't shift, till I let go.
|
Yellow
Tea becomes my drug of choice. I make it with ceremony. It soothes me. My teeth are coloured tea. A friend says: get them whitened. I won't. I will not give up tea. I love this soothing.
|
Bitter sweet
I feel loved by you.
And abandoned. |
Hard
The hardest thing I have ever done was walk away.
|
Blame 9: sinner & the saint
I realise now that I was a sanctimonious prat.
I hate that I blamed you. I was so pious. |
Blame 10: about love
I realise now that I was scared.
I love you so much and I don't want you to die. I was so scared that you were going to die. I want you to be here forever because I love you so much. |
Blame 7: paint
I realise now that I blamed you for painting your house without a mask.
|
Blame 8: white cells
I realise now that I blamed you for swimming in a public pool without any white blood cells.
|
Blame 5: asbestos
I realise now that I blamed you for going there without protective clothing, even though you knew there might have been asbestos.
|
Blame 6: chemicals
I realise now that I blamed you for using chemicals without protective clothing.
|
Blame 3: mobile phone
I realise now that I blamed you for keeping your mobile phone in your bra.
|
Blame 4: blackberries
I realise now that I blamed you for picking (and eating) blackberries that had been sprayed.
|
Blame 1: food
I realise now that I blamed you for eating too much.
|
Blame 2: alcohol
I realise now that I blamed you for drinking too much alcohol.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I am still a mother
There’s not much holding it together. It always felt fragile. Like I might loose my grip. She was my little girl. My ‘dream come true’. I wanted her more than anything in the world. Her father, my husband, was becoming more and more detached from our family unit. We were growing apart. I left. I was lucky. I had a career to support us, but this meant long hours and I was very tired at the end of the working day. I built us the best nest I could possibly build. I worked hard and had very little help.
Everything as a struggle. If I ever asked him for any help he’d say I’d made my bed, I should lay in it. I tried never to ask for help. I did it the best I could. The best was not always good enough. I was tired. I was lonely. Sometimes I wanted to run away. I felt like I couldn’t do mothering well enough, but I had nowhere to turn. I stopped telling people that I wasn’t coping. I coped. I tried to find peace in the relationships I chose. Peace was nowhere to be found.
The nests got more and more prickly and I started to give up hope. When she was a teenager, I started suffering from chronic migraines that lasted for days at a time. I was not coping. There was no help, only fear of not coping. I can’t take it back. I can only say I’m sorry. I have spent years trying to come to terms with what you can’t take back. I try to stay kind hearted with myself. It’s not always easy. There’s one thing I know. I love her and I’ll always be here for her.
Everything as a struggle. If I ever asked him for any help he’d say I’d made my bed, I should lay in it. I tried never to ask for help. I did it the best I could. The best was not always good enough. I was tired. I was lonely. Sometimes I wanted to run away. I felt like I couldn’t do mothering well enough, but I had nowhere to turn. I stopped telling people that I wasn’t coping. I coped. I tried to find peace in the relationships I chose. Peace was nowhere to be found.
The nests got more and more prickly and I started to give up hope. When she was a teenager, I started suffering from chronic migraines that lasted for days at a time. I was not coping. There was no help, only fear of not coping. I can’t take it back. I can only say I’m sorry. I have spent years trying to come to terms with what you can’t take back. I try to stay kind hearted with myself. It’s not always easy. There’s one thing I know. I love her and I’ll always be here for her.
Up and down
I said: I feel so up and down.
He said: Luvvy! Life's like that! |
Me
We are not the same.
I will decide for myself. |
Soothe
There has been so much pain. But.
I am learning to soothe myself. |
Mother
I admire, so very much, that you keep working at being a mother.
I love you. |
Letting go
I always loved you.
Now I am learning to forgive you - and to forgive myself. |
Scared
That was awful.
Really hard. Not going to do ‘sweet polly’ on that - it was just shit. I was so, so very scared. |
About love
This journey, this anxiety and these learnings.
I work hard along the way to learn about love. I want to emerge from this loving more richly .. real. |
Chameleon
I watch you as you rebuild your life after breast cancer. Rebuilding.
Reconstructing. Re-emerging. Inspiring. |
Hyperventilate
I tripped in the street. As I fell to the ground I began to hyperventilate. I never wanted that. I didn't ask for that. How the hell did that happen?
|
A crack
You ripped a hole in my heart.
I will make sure it lets the light get in. |
Reconsidered
.... I realised it was joyless. Yuck!
So I stopped, reconsidered my stance and restarted with joy. |
Harlequin
When you had your breast removed I was so worried. You always seemed to be laughing. Later you told me that you thought that if you kept laughing it would go away. I love that you understand yourself as well as you do.
|
Good enough
I see that I am becoming who I am - not what I do.
I am learning that who I am is enough. |
I am not you
It took me so long to realise that when you were bleeding I was also bleeding.
I love you so much, but I am not you. |
About opening up
At the 'inside out' exhibition I had so much positive feedback from women that I decided to open up the project to other women. I developed a flyer and circulated it amongst family and friends, inviting them to participate. I made the following diary pages about the process of opening up.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Inside out
Inside out was an exhibition held in 2009 that included six sculptural pieces. The exhibition begins with 'good girl', the first bra I ever made ... exploring anger that I didn't understand. After an enormously frustrating bra fitting in 2007 I bought the prettiest bra I could find, a box of tacs and went home and stuck the tacs into the bra. After several hundred tacs (I was REALLY angry) I could see that the bra represented what I was feeling. Feelings that I still couldn't articulate. Years later I could see that I hid my imperfections - believing I was the only person in the world that was imperfect - believing that I could not be loved unless I was perfect (loveable - women understand). I made another 5 bra pieces, exploring imperfection. The exhibition culminates with an understanding that knowing and loving my imperfections is what makes me the wonderful strong woman that I am. The first bra is at the bottom of the page.
Chenheal
Being lost somehow allowed me to find some thing new. I understand myself. I stand tall. I have the courage to be me. I am not afraid of the dark. I am not afraid of being small. I am not afraid of being powerful. I am no longer controlled. I see my power and it scares me.
But I treasure it. I dare to live. |
|
Barely there
Things fall apart. Standing up and standing out feels so giddying to me. Everything is not as it was. Then I loose everything that I have. My relationship, my house, my savings, my health. I am barely there. This break down becomes a break through.
Antidepressants buy me time to do the work I need to do to liberate myself. To grow strong. And confident. |
|
Kitty finds her teeth
I start to find my teeth. I begin to rebel. I begin to stand up and say what it is that I want. I begin to say what it is that I need. I begin to create my own shape. I begin to say what works and what doesn't.
|
|
Allure
Awareness hits with mind blowing ferocity. There are rules. The rules have been imposed in such a subtle way. I didn't realise I was playing the game. I feel stuck. I feel controlled. I feel managed. I have an awareness of this trap but am not yet sure how I can liberate myself.
|
|
Loveable (women understand)
I sit on the tram in the mornings and watch the other commuters with their well groomed hair and their well ironed shirts and wonder if I am the only imperfect person in the world. I wonder if it is possible to be imperfect AND to be loved.
|
|
Good girl
I didn't set out to make art.
I just got really, really angry. I put the nails on the inside of the bra. When I looked at what I had done, I could see what I felt. It resonated powerfully. The nails were invisible from the outside - perfect. I saw what I hid. I saw how it hurt. |
|